The Definition of a Submissive

As ambiguous human sexuality has become in the 21st century, it is important to recognize that being a submissive is just as ambiguous. And that reality has serious implications when you add the need to find a Dominant to serve. Understanding the anatomy of what makes someone submissive is necessary in order to effectively present in the truest and most honest form possible. Because while it is so easy to just focus on fulfilling the fantasy, it is equally difficult to focus on what a Dominant deserves.


Many do not understand the complexities of human nature.  Dominant and submissive are traits, not identities… at first.  The identity part comes later when those traits have been fully explored and developed.  Every kind of relationship has stages.  The approach someone takes determines if they will be able to advance or not.

So what exactly is the definition of submissive? 

We can be technical and say…


  1. ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive.
  2. inclined or ready to submit or yield to the authority of another; unresistingly or humbly obedient:

    submissive servants.
  3. marked by or indicating submission or an instance of yielding to the authority of another:

    a submissive reply.


Or, we can be more realistic…

The following will be from the perspective of an established submissive as referenced from the website, D/S Living and Learning.


To be a submissive is different for everyone, for some it could be role play fantasy, for some sexual fantasy, for others in the BDSM Lifestyle it goes much much deeper then any of that.

Let me try to explain a little the way I see the differences.

Role Play submissive’s

These are men or women who want to play at being a submissive either real time or online. For a few hours or minutes they will “play” the part of a submissive calling someone Master or Mistress in order to fulfil a fantasy they have. They will, depending on how skilled they are, kneel at the feet of the “Dominant” doing as they’re told without negotiating what limits they will go to. When their fantasy is done they leave and never visit it again unless it felt good and they want to have that thrill of being ordered around.

It may be that they have something they want to do but that rational part of their mind is sitting there telling them they’re nuts for wanting to do it, by “submitting” to someone it takes responsibility of that act away. In other words they’re not in the wrong for doing something bad because they were told to do it.

In the case of some of the men in this category they may have the fantasy of being dressed in girl’s clothes, makeup and wigs and being made to do what to them is degrading things. Or they may be dressed as a baby complete with diaper and bottle and eating baby food.

Sexual submissive

In a nut shell… these kinds of submissive’s want the kink or fetish. They want to be restrained, blindfolded, spanked, flogged, beaten or whatever their fetish is. Once the sex act is over they go away happy until the next time.

There’s not a thing wrong with that as far as it goes and as long as they go into a real time situation with their eyes wide open aware of the dangers that could be waiting for them. As long as they sit down and discuss their limits and the “Dominant” partner agree’s to those limits and abides by them they should be safe enough.
All too frequently though that doesn’t happen and they can be seriously hurt or maimed by the “Dominant” who decides “well that may be as far as you want to go but it’s not what I want and now you’re tied up and helpless guess what”

Online submissive

My apologies in advance there are several types of online submissive, I know many who live the Lifestyle both online and off line dedicated to the One they serve, there are even more though that fall into this first group.

I’m a submissive.. really I am
These are people who are submissive while in the chat room, they’ll very prettily write out elaborate serves for the One they serve, they vow eternal love and submission to the One who holds their heart.. then when they go to another room or another name they’re saying the same things to Another. More role play, more drama, not an ounce of submission in them anywhere. They enter a room and the first thing they type is that they’re submissive looking for a Master/Mistress and they’ll do any thing.. oh and they have a camera to prove how submissive they are

I belong to my Master/Mistress
You see them in chat with their Owner’s names on theirs, they serve that Owner with all the love in their heart holding back nothing, giving every part of themselves to that special One as if they were together face to face. Real life things may be against them being together physically but that doesn’t make any difference to them, they serve their Owner well.

A True Submissive

A true submissive serves from the heart, they don’t need an Owner driving them to do something, they do it willingly, gladly, eagerly.
They see their Owner’s glass half empty and they fill it, they take care of their Owner’s needs sometimes before the Owner realizes what it is They want.
They don’t need words of praise, the fact that their Owner is content and comfortable is praise enough.
They don’t need other’s to see that they’re submitting, the fact that they are is more then enough.
When their One tells them to come, they put down what they’re doing and go gladly hoping that they can provide some small thing to ease the comfort of the One.
The light in the eyes of their Owner or the touch of their One’s hand on their head is high praise and will please a submissive more then any award given.
The first thing to enter a submissive’s mind when they wake is “what can i do to help Him/Her today” and the last thing through their minds when they go to sleep is the joy that they have served well.

You may by now be asking yourself what the heck I’m rambling on about, and this is where it gets hard to explain just what makes a person submissive.

In my every day life I run my own business and have done for a few years now. I’m very aggressive when it comes to getting a contract I want and giving my clients the best service I can, yet when my Sir comes home that gets put on the back burner while I take care of His needs.
He asks me first if I have a deadline to meet on something and if the answer is yes then I’m told to do it while He takes a nap or something else, when I’m done I’m to come to His side. He plans our days and nights while He’s home, and together we get them done. He decides what gets done in what order when and how, His word is final. I can ask to explain why I don’t think I can do something the way He wants and ask if I can do it this way to make it easier on me, usually the answer is yes as I’m not as physically strong as He is.
While He’s gone I do the assignments that He’s given me, eat properly and rest when I need to, learn as much as I can about the Lifestyle.

I know these things don’t seem like much but it’s something that I do gladly and report to Him what I’ve learned so that we can talk about it when He has time.

You may say well this sounds like any normal marriage, and yes in a way it is like any other marriage other then one point … He’s in charge and makes the decisions. He will take into account my likes and dislikes before choosing food, clothing, furniture, house or vehicle but the final word is His and I don’t argue about it.

Ok I can hear it now, sounds like He has everything His way and I get nothing out of it. That could not be further from the truth.

As my Dominant He takes the burden of providing everything I need for not only my physical well being but emotional, sexual and spiritual as well. It’s up to Him to help me grow as He wants me to, to expand my horizons and knowledge, to help me get past barriers I have and become the one He will be proud to place His collar on and tell all our friends in the BDSM community … This girl is Mine

Reference:  D/S Living and Learning, author unknown


As with anything in life, this is not the complete definition. You will probably have your own interpretation or approach that best fits your current lifestyle.  However, if what was shared in this post has helped you to better define who you already know yourself to be or just now discovering who that person is; I invite you to read about my own definition of a submissive.

It begins with understanding…

The Anatomy of a Submissive

…which is still a work in progress.  Chapter Three is currently being written.